WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero respect for human life, confirmed sources.

“While our agents are found to suffer from mental health issues at the same rate as other Americans, they seem to be immune to self-introspection and totally incapable of empathy for others,” said law enforcement psychologist Dr. Susan Manzo. “Unfortunately, people who ultimately end up taking their own lives tend to be kind, loving people who leave enormous holes in the lives of the loved ones they leave behind. Basically the opposite of the type of people who choose to become ICE agents. Our agents exist solely to make the world a worse place, and they intend on sticking around

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