BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the app for 498 days in a row since his initial departure, confirmed sources.

“I quit Instagram over a year ago after it became clear a vast majority of my feed was just brain rot and fear mongering. It’s just that I’ve needed to pop on real quick now and then to check on a few accounts for almost 500 days but that doesn’t mean the ban isn’t still technically in effect,” said Flemming. “Look, small businesses need engagement and I can’t risk missing a funny meme someone might send me. So I just jump on briefly and as soon as I’ve finished six hours of doomscrolling, the hiatus is back on. It was meant to be more of a symbolic break, not a literal

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