HELENA, Mont. — Self-proclaimed “Ultra-MAGA Patriot” Tommy Walton admitted that the public blow-up between President Trump and Elon Musk is causing him immense mental anguish as he ponders which billionaire he will build his online personality around next, sources confirmed.

“Let’s get one thing straight: Nothing can turn me against Trump. I don’t even care if he’s in the Epstein files. As far as I’m concerned, he saved dozens of children on that island,” said Walton. “But this Elon thing has me hurting. He was everything I wanted to be. Now I don’t know what to do. Bill Gates kills children. Mark Zuckerberg is a weird robot. Jeff Bezos might be a good option, but he’s nowhere near as funny as Elon. When was the last time Bezos actually owned a lib or wielded a chainsaw in public? This is

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