Key points

Fairness isn't a problem—it's the attachment to fairness that becomes one.

The more tightly we cling to fairness, the less flexible we become in navigating the complexities of life.

It's easy to keep score. It's harder—but healthier—to get curious about what is mutually beneficial.

If you think about it, it sounds like you're doing the right thing; maybe you can even think of it as being noble. I mean, what could be more reasonable than wanting things to be fair?

But after 34 years and approximately 42,000 clinical hours of listening to counseling clients, I can assert that "fair" is the four-letter word that quietly wrecks relationships.

Please hear me out. It's not because fairness itself is wrong, but because our deeply ingrained sense of it is often flawed, rigid, an

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