SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a shocking statement to police, Paul Pelosi claimed that he was assaulted by a man who threw hammers at him while shouting, "THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY!"
According to sources, Paul Pelosi was simply trying to enjoy a Subway sandwich in his underwear when another man in his underwear broke into his house and attacked him with a hammer.
"All I know is I was attacked by this MAGA Republican who is a registered member of the Green Party. Why would someone do this, especially right before the midterm elections?" said Paul Pelosi. "My only conclusion is that this must be a direct act of far-right political violence, as opposed to another crime committed by the rampant mentally ill."
"This far-right-leaning city of San Francisco just isn't safe anymore," continued Paul. "I'm n