Living a carbon-neutral life isn't always easy, but with hard work, dedication, and lots of self-loathing, it can be done.

Here are ten ways you can reduce your carbon footprint at this very moment:

1.) Kill yourself. This is a surefire strategy to make your carbon footprint as small as possible. Just make sure to do it in a carbon-neutral way, like running yourself over with a Prius.

2.) Kill a friend or family member. Don't just kill yourself: go the extra mile as an earth-loving, conscientious citizen. Kill as many people as possible to save the planet!

3.) Recycle your heretical Joel Osteen books by using them as doorstops instead of burning them. We know it's tempting to burn that copy of Your Best Life Now that your well-meaning grandma got you for Christmas last year, but res

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