ARVADA, CO — A group of the country's leading parent scientists announced this week that they were now very close to discovering what the heck you're supposed to do to a kid after you've counted to three.

"We've been working on this for decades," Professor Dexter Portsmith announced at a press conference. "We've run the equation through thousands of simulations and we think we're very close to solving this very complex problem. We've figure out what to do at numbers one and two and we're very close to breaking through to determining what should be done after you reach number three."

The scientists said they had tried putting kids in timeout after number three but that didn't seem to work. They also reportedly tried taking away a toy, telling them Santa Claus was mad at them, and forcing

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