Look, it’s not as if Metallica in the year of our lord 2025 is anything remotely like these lovable 20-year-old miscreants that terrorized the Bay Area and beyond. They’re all in their sixties now, kinder, gentler, and presumably insanely loaded rock gods who you could see being the quirky, out-of-place neighbor at some comically rich enclave like the Hamptons. Wikipedia really buries the lede here, calling the 50-ish-mile stretch of Long Island “a popular seaside resort and one of the historical summer colonies of the northeastern United States.” Sure, that’s technically true in the same way that LeBron James is a “popular basketball player good at scoring points.” But the ostentatious markers of wealth found in many areas here — Move Over, $100 Lobster Salad. In the Hamptons, These

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