HELL — The world is in shock today after the father of lies abruptly stepped down from his role as "the adversary." The Devil credited the astonishing performance of TikTok, an invention he reportedly developed together with his business partner Xi Jinping.

"I've been doing a lot of soul searching as it were — I mean, I don't have one, but you get the idea — and I believe it's time to retire," said Satan during an impromptu press conference. "There just isn't anything for me to really, you know, do anymore. I think TikTok has it pretty well covered."

Attendees at the press conference gasped and cried out, although sources claim it is unclear if they were upset that the devil would be retiring or if it was because they were being burned in an eternal fire that could not be quenched.

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