CORINTH — The congregation of the Corinthian church began bracing itself as the little dots on a text incoming from the Apostle Paul kept bouncing up and down for a long, long time.

"Oh this is bad, real bad," said deacon Andronikos as the dots continued moving. "Hoo-boy, I do not like the look of this."

After a seemingly innocuous greeting text, sources report that the church in Corinth watched with rising terror as Paul continued typing his follow-up text for what seemed like eternity. "Man, he just keeps going," said local parishioner Hesiod. "This isn't going to be one of those, 'Hey, just thanking God for your faith, Love Paul' kind of messages. We're in trouble, folks."

As Paul continued to bang out his text to Corinth, the local Corinthian church began speculating. "Was it our la

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