BUFFALO, NY - Local man Andrés Rodriguez checked today's news to see if his morning cup of coffee would be be causing imminent death or granting him immortality.

"Always exciting to see what coffee is up to," said Mr. Rodriguez as he opened the paper. "Today it may cause pancreatic cancer, tomorrow could be the fountain of youth. It's a game of Russian roulette in every morning brew!"

Over the past decade, experts have determined that coffee absolutely causes, and undoubtedly cures, every single cancer in existence. "Studies have definitively shown that drinking coffee every day will cause cancer to explode out of your intestines into every internal organ," said researcher Dr. Stanley Bigham. "Studies have also irrefutably demonstrated that daily coffee intake will allow you to live fore

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