SAN DIMAS, CA - Nutritionists reported Monday that they are "totally baffled" by local youth pastor Kyle "Krazy 8" Brenton, as the minister to high schoolers has survived entirely on pizza and Mountain Dew for the past thirteen years.

Brenton reportedly consumes the high-calorie, high-fat food and sugar-saturated beverages at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not once getting a chance to take a break from the popular sources of sustenance for youth groups all over the world.

"We have a wacky fun night just about every evening around here at Swirling Fireball Youth Group, so I'm always chugging the leftover Dew and taking out a few pepperoni pizzas for breakfast the next morning," Brenton told reporters as he microwaved his midday meal, a combination pizza that he'd wash down with a 6-pack of

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