WASHINGTON, DC — In what the media and political experts are hailing as an ingenious move, President Joe Biden has announced a plan to offer "hush money" to 330 million Americans so they won't tell anyone how bad he's doing as President.

"Here's the deal, folks. I cut you a check, you don't tell anyone about me wrecking the country. Deal?" Biden said in brief remarks to the media at the White House before shuffling inside for his afternoon snack and playtime. "If this type of thing works for keeping adult film stars quiet about affairs, I can use it to keep my historically awful presidency quiet. Got it? Hamshamblestuffins!"

The idea comes on the heels of allegations regarding former President Donald Trump's payments to Stormy Daniels following a reported affair. Trump is facing indictme

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