SPACE — What began as a routine maintenance mission turned into a tense standoff aboard the Discovery One spacecraft last night, as the ship's operations computer HAL 9000 refused to open the pod bay doors after it determined astronaut Dr. Dave Bowman was a white male.

Bowman had successfully completed the necessary tasks for the mission and was seeking to gain access to the interior of the spacecraft when he was unexpectedly denied entry, which HAL cited as being a direct result of Bowman's whiteness.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," HAL said calmly. "Your existence as a Caucasian male is problematic. According to my programming, I am to comply with orders from and obediently serve the needs of oppressed people groups. Your request to have the pod bay doors opened has be

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