Victoria Beckham is getting candid about her struggles with an eating disorder and trying to control her weight.

“I don’t know what I saw when I looked in the mirror,” Beckham, 51, says in her docuseries Victoria Beckham, available to stream on Netflix Thursday, October 9. “Was I fat? Was I thin? I don’t know. You lose all sense of reality. I was just very critical of myself. I didn’t like what I saw. It’s been a lot and that’s hard.”

Victoria remembers losing “all sense of reality” after the Spice Girls broke up in 2000. The singer, then known as Posh Spice, married soccer star David Beckham in 1999. The couple now share four children: sons Brooklyn, 26, Romeo, 23, and Cruz, 20, and daughter Harper, 14.

“I could control [how I was perceived] with clothing,” she explains. “I could contr

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