U.S. – In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista.

"At Starbucks, we believe all people deserve the dignity of a good job, including straight white men, even though they are the worst," said CEO Laxman Narasimhan. "We hope this paves the way for many other terrible, awful colonizers to find gainful employment with Starbucks Co. even though they don't deserve it and should probably just die. Ew."

"This is a huge day for me," said seventeen-year-old Milwaukee high school student Charles Smith. "I've never even made out with a dude or taken artificial hormones before. I can't believe I was hired!"

Starbuck's Chief Diversity Officer Raya Chugbot also applauded the decision, saying

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