HEAVEN - In a positive step towards diversity, innumerable souls have been cast out of heaven and are now burning for eternity in the unfathomable chasms of Hell. This purging of souls into the scorching abyss came in accordance with brand new heavenly diversity requirements.

"I was told it's a good thing," said Saint Peter as he worked to quell the confused masses pressing against the Pearly Gates. A heavenly aide stood behind the shimmering gates, holding up a poster depicting swatches of varying skin pigments. Some pigments had green checkmarks while others were marked with a red X.

Another aide approached Saint Peter and informed him that, due to a logistical hiccup, Mother Teresa was currently enduring eternal torment in a roiling sea of brimstone. The frustrated St. Peter sighed, "

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