WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Congress has passed a trillion-dollar stopgap bill that will allow the federal government to continue functioning until about 2 p.m. tomorrow.

"That trillion dollars will buy us about eighteen hours to continue negotiating," said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy. "It's not much, but it's something."

The bill will reportedly allocate five hundred billion dollars to plant some trees, and four hundred billion dollars to study the effect of planting trees. One billion dollars will be used to pay for the Constitutionally legitimate functions of the government. The remaining roughly hundred billion dollars will be divided between slush funds and a giant pile for politicians to light on fire for funsies.

Having failed to get Republicans to agree on a long-term

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