The government may be shut down and thousands of federal workers may be getting fired and food prices may be high and masked federal agents may be occasionally abducting U.S. citizens, but I, like President Donald Trump, am laser-focused on the one thing that matters most to all Americans: Time magazine ran an unflattering cover photo of the president.

In a clear violation of something I assume is in the Constitution, this so-called magazine used a low-angle picture of Trump that makes his hair look thin and wispy (it is actually thick and lustrous), his nostrils appear cavernous (they are, in fact, perfect-sized) and his neck look like a turkey getting choked out by his tie (Trump’s neck is svelte, muscular and in no way turkey-ish).

The cover story is a flattering portrayal of Trump’s role in securing the remaining Israeli hostages held in Gaza.

Time magazine's cover photo of Trump is a national scandal!

But the photo is of such national importance that the president of the United States of America posted this to social media in the early morning hours of Oct. 14:

“Time Magazine wrote a relatively good story about me, but the picture may be the Worst of All Time. They ‘disappeared’ my hair, and then had something floating on top of my head that looked like a floating crown, but an extremely small one. Really weird! I never liked taking pictures from underneath angles, but this is a super bad picture, and deserves to be called out. What are they doing, and why?”

Excellent question, sir. How dare Time magazine violently and intentionally use a "Worst of All Time" photo that engages in hair disappearing and too-small-floating-crown imagery!

Congress must investigate Time magazine's photo choice

This does deserve to be called out, and I, as a U.S. citizen, hereby demand a congressional investigation, as there is quite simply nothing else happening right now that is worthy of the not-at-all-vain president’s attention.

As the administration has already made clear by patriotically targeting late-night comedians and requiring Pentagon reporters to only release government-approved information, optics matter more than silly liberal notions like free speech or affordable health insurance.

For years, Trump has demonstrated his great strength and powerful alpha-male self-confidence by caring deeply about which photos of him news outlets use. He once handsomely denounced Fox News, saying, “They purposely show the absolutely worst pictures of me, especially the big 'orange' one with my chin pulled way back.”

Trump is right to be laser-focused on what matters: Pictures of him

Anti-American photo usage is clearly a dangerous epidemic, and it’s up to Congress to stem the tide. Here are the key questions I want answered as soon as the Time magazine photo-gate investigation is launched:

  1. Who at Time magazine gave the go-ahead to use a Worst of All Time photo of President Trump that looks like he has Truck Nutz strapped to his neck?
  2. Who was the photographer who decided to frame the photo at an angle that makes the 79-year-old president look like an old tortoise with thinning hair and why is that photographer not in prison?
  3. When will Time magazine issue a full retraction and republish its cover story with a photo of a muscular President Trump carrying a machine gun atop a soaring eagle above a banner that reads “Beautiful, Beautiful Trump”?

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Is Trump's Time magazine photo truly 'Worst of All Time'? Congress MUST investigate. | Opinion

Reporting by Rex Huppke, USA TODAY / USA TODAY

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