WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled once and for all that the Eagles could not have carried the Fellowship to Mount Doom, thereby removing the need for the deadly trek across Middle Earth to destroy the One Ring.

The highest court in the land overturned an earlier 4-3 decision by the Colorado Supreme Court which invoked The Silmarillion to justify using the Eagles to carry the ring to Mordor. "The Lord of the Eagles, Thorondor, had a wingspan of 30 fathoms," noted the lower court. "If we use him as the basis for the size of the Eagles, we can safely say nothing in Middle Earth could withstand their might, and they should have taken it upon themselves to aid the Fellowship."

The distinguished justices of the U.S. Supreme Court disag

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