Dear Atlanta Braves: Following the retirement of Braves manager Brian Snitker, I am humbly offering my services to succeed him. Attached is my formal application.

NAME: David “The Skipper” Carroll

AGE: Younger than Brian Snitker, Ron Washington, and Dusty Baker. Older than well, just about everybody else.

QUALIFICATIONS: Now we get to the good part. I’ve been a fan since 1966. I’ve seen or heard every game on the radio, on TV, or in person. During my radio career, I managed the KZ-106 Foul Tips slow-pitch softball team. Our goal was to win roughly half of our games, so that would be a step up for the Braves. I was a dual threat because I also pitched, and as Braves manager I would be available to come out of the bullpen. I could hang out with Jesse Chavez, because he’s no kid either. I

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