GLADEWATER — Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son's bed.

"What does this mean?" Mr. Nootsen said, taking the contraband to his wife. "Our son isn't a, a....soccer player, is he? Tell me it's not true!"

According to sources, the couple held each other and prayed long into the night on Monday before confronting their son the following day. But their son, a sophomore at Gladewater High School who made the varsity football team last semester, did little to assuage their concerns. He at first denied knowing what a soccer ball was, then said he was merely holding it for a friend, and finally juggled the ball effortlessly on his knees in a vain attempt to impress his parents.

"I should have known. He's the kicker for

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