This week:

The Halloween Haters Guide

Like so many of us, I’ll never forget begging my parents for the one thing I wanted to be for Halloween. In my case, it was “child who gets to stay home.”

I don’t know when I became a Spooky Season Scrooge, but it’s a curmudgeonly instinct that has burrowed deep into my personality.

Halloween is a day for my nephews and all of my friends’ kids to look cute in their costumes, me to like the Instagram photos of them being adorable, and possibly tolerate a dog dressed as a bumble bee. The *gestures wildly like he’s landing an airplane* hoopla that has surrounded adult Halloween? Banish it all.

I was walking down the subway platform yesterday and a man dressed as a zombie with makeup that I can only imagine took four-to-seven hours to put on walked

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