LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — Authorities announced their arrival at the home of Blake Blertherberg with a terse knock on his front door. They were there to confiscate his man card after he had called a handyman to fix a faucet, like the sad excuse for a man he is.

"Blake Blertherberg, you are hereby charged with being soft, by the order of the Council of Manhood," said a bearded man who flashed a hand-welded badge while leading a group of equally-bearded men into the house. "Team, you know what to do."

The burly, hairy-armed men went to work, rifling through the home's plumbing and ductwork, then meticulously cataloging the homeowner's suspiciously-unscathed toolbox.

"Listen, you've got it all wrong; I, I didn't have time to read up on faucet repair," stammered Blertherberg, "I have work deadlin

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