GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Breakfast pastry lovers around the globe held a moment of silence today after news broke that Bill Post, inventor of the Pop-Tart, had passed away at the age of 96. Post's surviving family announced that he would be laid to rest by being lowered vertically into a thin slot in the ground.

"He would've wanted it this way," said gathered loved ones with a mixture of sadness and appreciation for the man who invented the world's foremost pre-made, packaged breakfast food. The touching ceremony followed Post's expressed wish for his remains to be kept warm and toasty below the earth's surface.

"He had such a delicious personality," said one close friend. "Once you got past his crusty exterior and he warmed up to you, he was really sweet. You could always count on him, he was

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