MADISON, WI - Confirming an age-old rumor among churchgoers, world-class nutritionists at the University of Wisconsin-Madison's Food Research Institute announced Thursday that any and all food consumed on church grounds or at a church function is exempt from counting toward one's caloric intake for the day.

"We've done numerous exhaustive studies on this and can now say without a doubt that calories consumed at church simply are not absorbed by the body," UW Food Research Institute Lead Nutritionist Philip Reed said at a press event announcing the findings. "We have no scientific explanation for this at the moment - it seems to be some sort of miraculous event that takes place inside the body of a believer when he or she is consuming delicious baked goods in the house of God."

At this po

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