BOSTON, MA — In a speech today, President Biden vowed to rid America of cancer. Then, at the close of his speech, he immediately kept his promise and tendered his resignation.

"Hey folks, no joke, we're curing cancer!" said the President who recorded the highest COVID cases and brought back monkeypox. "We're gonna lick this thing just like we beat poverty, drugs, and the Taliban! You'll see! Come on! We can cure at least a million, er a million billion cancers! All the cancers! For real! And with that, I officially resign as President of the United States."

Biden then shuffled off stage and dove headfirst into a camera crew he mistook for a young child's hair.

Biden's speech is being praised as "momentous" and "bold" by the press. The resignation was also praised by Americans as a fitti

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