MEDINA, WA - After two years of demanding lockdowns and school closures, Bill Gates has asked the media to please standby for a few moments while his COVID story attempts to reboot.

"We just had no idea that it was really a disease of the elderly and not very deadly to kids," said Mr. Gates. "In my defense, how was I to know? There weren't any kids on Epstein island for us to study. I mean, not like elementary age. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to install updates."

Gates then stared blankly for several minutes as he downloaded new talking points for his COVID narrative.

"...Anyway, as I was saying, the vaccine was ineffective, school closures were a terrible idea, and Ivermectin works! It's what I've been saying all along, people! Time to get with it!"

When asked what his plan is for

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