Thrilling news: it’s time to decide what health-care plan you’ll be opting in to for the coming year. Given the feedback we’ve received about how limited and expensive health care has become in this country, we’ve made some updates to our available offerings. Please choose from the following options.

The Basic Plan

This is our most popular plan. It covers things like breathing (allowed, no co-pay), sleeping (hint: you must pretend to sleep in order to fall asleep), and eating (you pay for your own food). No other coverage is provided. This is an ideal choice if you are immune to all diseases, and are also immortal.

The Catastrophic Plan

If the San Andreas Fault opens up, we’ll send Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson to help. Not to help you, specifically—he’ll just generally lend a hand in Cali

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