WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump has announced that America will be reopening soon, and the occasion will be celebrated with an "insane" "once-in-a-lifetime" Grand Reopening Sale.

The grand reopening extravaganza will include 50% off all landmarks and monuments, in a bid to make back some of the trillions lost during the recession.

"We've got monuments, we've got landmarks, we've got national parks -- and it's all going 50% off!" an animated Trump shouted during a commercial for the big event. "We're slashing prices all around the nation. Need to pick up a special something for that special someone? Why not come on down to the National Mall and get yourself a Lincoln Memorial for millions off the sticker price?"

"But wait! There's more! The first 100 shoppers will receive The Art of

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