AUSTIN, TX — A local man found himself facing charges of blasphemy after he was caught walking on the city's hallowed rainbow crosswalk without removing his sandals in reverence.

"Everyone knows that our local Rainbow Walk is holy ground," said City Councilperson Vlim Shmelvo. "When cis-males deign to tread upon our sanctified spaces with shodden feet, it makes our community feel unsafe!"

The man, Paul Bradford, had attempted to plead ignorance when he was confronted by a large group of angry pro-LGBTQ activists. "I honestly didn't even realize I did it," he had said as he was being backed up against a wall. "I don't understand! It's just a crosswalk! Aren't we supposed to walk on it?"

The angry mob then gasped audibly before seizing him and taking him to the local authorities. "JUST A

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