MANITOWOC, WI — Disappointed Army veteran Jack "Pappy" Van Hauser now says he probably wouldn't have done all that fighting for freedom had he known there would be all this gay stuff now.

"I wouldn't have risked my life to fight the Viet Cong if I had known men were just going to use their freedom to wear Daisy Dukes and go traipsing around like a bunch of communist fairies," said Pappy to family members as he turned on the television to watch Matlock but only saw more gay stuff. "All them boys screaming in the jungle. Limbs blown off. Blood and guts everywhere. I killed fifty men with my e-tool and lost a leg — all for this?"

He tried changing the television station, but could only find more and more gay stuff on every channel. He then decided to get some fresh air on his porch only to

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