HEAVEN — According to sources from the eternal realm, Jesus knows exactly what your church's so-called "Harvest Festival" really is.

"Who do you think you are fooling here?" asked a spokesangel for the omniscient Lord of creation. "You are even trick-or-treating, just using a car trunk for some weird reason. Verily, verily I say unto you: this is a Halloween party."

Having forsaken the tradition of celebrating the faithfully departed on All Saint's Day, the modern American church has long puzzled over what to do with Halloween. "For years the church warned against the wearing of superhero costumes and acquiring candy, what with all the demonic implications," said Reverend Dean Laramie. "After decades of being called 'totally lame', we decided to simply start hosting Halloween parties, bu

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