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There's a pretty famous story that George Clooney likes to tell about a dog. In the early 2000s, the recent Esquire cover star set up a meet and greet with a rescue he wanted to adopt and was told that the dog had to love him or the shelter would take him back. Clooney, scared the dog wouldn't love him, rubbed himself in turkey bacon before he met the doggo just to increase his chances of success. This is a story that says a lot about Clooney, which is probably why it's often told— in this magazine, even —to illustrate his dedication to the audience, human or otherwise.

If aliens visited this planet and we needed to provide th

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