SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on their ability to be completely miserable at their upcoming prom, confirmed sources.

“I don’t need society’s poisons to dress up, have a terrible time at an overpriced event hall, and follow it up with immensely mediocre sex that will be both a reality-shattering disappointment and also shape every kink and fetish of mine til I die. I can do that all on my own,” said 18-year-old Josh Michaels. “My friends look out for me like family. Our minds and bodies are free of that shit. I wanna be stone sober when I listen to some DJ in his 40s, who openly hits on the girls in my class, play the worst semi-popular songs from two decades ago, w

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