MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.

“So are you going to eat that? Or can I have it? Don’t just throw it away- there are kids in starving countries who would love to have that,” asked Trevor Pinnelli, while motioning towards the gunk-coated earplugs as if they were a large carton of fries. “And look, if there happens to be some dust or dandruff mixed in, all the better. I’ve been working out lately and could use some extra protein. I’m pretty sure dandruff is all protein. Or maybe carbs. Either way, I’m bulking.”

You were horrified to learn that your method of removing your earplugs i

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