Man Pretty Confident That Another 40 Dollar Band Tee Will Turn His Life Around

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around, confirmed sources.

“Look, my job sucks. My wife hates me. My only hobby is brewing craft beers in my basement and by brewing craft beers I mean drinking craft beers,” griped Carlsen while scrolling the merch on Rockabilia’s website. “But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Because when people see me rockin’ this new Queens of the Stone Age tee, they’re gonna see a man of impeccable music taste, fashion, and badassery. I can already feel it––I’m going to be rolling in compliments from strangers the minute I put it on before going in the pool. Who knows? This could be the thing that finally gets me that corporate promotion at work.”

Carlsen’s wife, howeve