Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Your partner often looks at you fondly and says you’re a child at heart. You’d think she’d be disgusted by you using a potty.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Parents. Provide narrative closure after a day at Peppa Pig World by visiting a sausage factory.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

This summer you’ll be doing Shakespeare in the Park. Dave Shakespeare from three doors down. You’re such a slag.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

At least your childhood bully is bald now, the big property millionaire loser.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

‘Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made.’ Gregg Wallace loved filming that episode of Inside the Factory .

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

In Centrefold by The J Geils Band, the singer may be traumatised by his

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