WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, confirmed sources.

“I’d call the entire situation an embarrassment,” said AIPAC spokeswoman Herzliya-Hadasha. “An embarrassment of riches! But seriously, folks. On one hand you’ve got the kind of slide-rule in a suit policy wonk that makes the average blue dog’s calves cramp. That’ll play well with the suburban soccer grandmoms. And on the other, an alpha male, whose appearance makes you wonder if you accidentally switched from CSPAN to WWE RAW. Either would be a fantastic choice. Provided neither end up appearing on the Epstein list. Which is totally not a thing, by the way. And I’m not sure why people are even talk

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