Iam not presently on a yacht, enjoying a Euro summer. This is funny, because everyone else seems to be on a goddamn yacht, enjoying their Euro summer: Dua Lipa, Kylie Jenner, Dakota Johnson, Charles LeClerc, that beauty micro-influencer I sat next to at a dinner party in SoHo once. She was dating my guy friend’s college roommate and we talked about Sofia Coppola’s collaboration with Augustinus Bader, which somehow led to us following each other on Instagram? Anyway, two weeks later they broke up, and we’ve never seen each other again. But she keeps posting pictures of herself on a unicorn pool toy somewhere in the Tyrrhenian with a totally new guy. Good for her.

I’ll spare you what I’m doing this summer instead (office, spotted lantern flies, hazes of existential dread in subway cars

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