WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden today announced that his administration will be helping the hostages trapped in Afghanistan after all, once it was revealed that a world-renowned McDonald's ice cream machine repairman was one of the captives.

Biden announced in a speech that he would stop at nothing to save the hostages, reversing the administration's previous policy of just saying "eh whatever" to Americans trapped in a foreign country.

"We will not rest. We will not falter. We will not fail," Biden said sternly after learning the McFlurry repair guy was trapped on a plane at the airport in Kabul. "We will do anything we need to do to get this guy out." Reporters and commentators said that Biden appeared more lucid, focused, and charismatic than he's been in the past 20 years. "If

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