WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly crowned Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy wasted no time fulfilling his promise to free the House Intelligence Committee from members caught up in lying or sleeping with Chinese spies, Representative Adam Schiff being chief among the affected members.

But Rep. Schiff had barely had a chance to mourn the loss of a position that allowed him to use top-secret information to propagate lies for his own advantage when he heard the heartwarming news that he had been given a seat on the House Pencil-Neck Committee.

"It brings me great honor to be a part of such a respectable institution," said Schiff to reporters alongside other committee members with observable physical and moral weaknesses. "It may not be the Intelligence Committee, but that doesn't not mean we aren'

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