HOLLYWOOD, CA

The annual Hollywood Self-Righteousness Awards were handed out on Sunday, with the top designation ‘Even More Self-Righteous than a Mennonite’ going to actor Joaquin Phoenix.

“I’d like to thank the Academy of Unwarranted Self-Righteousness for bestowing this honour on me,” said Phoenix. “But, you know, I’d also like to acknowledge that all the other nominees were just as worthy of this honour as me.”

The actor then launched into a half-hour sermon scolding “evil dairy farmers” and promoting the consumption of dairy alternatives such as Kraft Singles slices.

“Woah to thee who consume dairy,” said Phoenix, pounding a Bible on the podium. “The Lord has a place for thee in the fiery flames of Hell where there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Phoenix said he’d bee

See Full Page