WORLD — Old Testament scholars announced today that new evidence has revealed Samson actually slew one thousand Philistines with a 6-inch Italian B.M.T. on wheat.

According to researchers, the sandwich that dispatched scores of Philistines remained wrapped throughout the slayings, and that Samson sat down afterwards and commenced to "Eat Fresh."

"The last thing the Philistines ever smelled was the unmistakable aroma of Subway bread," said Old Testament professor Dr. Benjamin Hahn. "Armed with black forest ham, genoa salami, and spicy pepperoni, Samson laid waste. No one could stand before him and the sandwich topped with pickles, tomatoes, and light mayonnaise."

Scholars speculated that the frozen tomato slices allowed Samson to wield the sub like a blunt club. "Place yourself on that f

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