EAGLE PASS, TX — With tension still growing in the ongoing standoff between the state of Texas and the federal government, word broke today that both sides had agreed to settle the conflict by having President Joe Biden and Governor Greg Abbott face off in a wheelchair joust to the death.

In the latest attempt to avoid full-scale hostilities, the two sides chose to follow the age-old tradition of having each side choose a hero to compete in winner-take-all one-on-one combat.

"Wheelchairs! At dawn!" Governor Abbott was heard shouting after a tense phone call with President Biden. "We will settle this in the old way. You and me. The victor shall rule the border. When you hear the sound of my wheels drawing near, you will know it is the sound of your impending doom."

The White House confir

See Full Page