SACRAMENTO, CA - With international conflicts causing uncertainty regarding global energy reliance, the United States will begin importing oil from California Governor Gavin Newsom's hair.

"We estimate 30 million barrels per day could be extracted from the governor's hair," said Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm, "That is unless the majority of oil deposits are embedded deep in the less-accessible, stiff layers. In that case, we would be looking at the approval of fracking permits."

This new source of oil comes as good news for America, and great news for California, a state with the highest gas prices in the country, a struggling economy, exorbitant taxes, and families leaving the state in droves.

Environmental groups are pleased with the discovery of an apparently endless supply o

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