SAN FRANCISCO — Popular rideshare app Uber announced a new feature that would match intoxicated riders with intoxicated drivers, confirmed sources who were already five beers deep.

“Our research has shown that what people truly want from a ridesharing app is a drinking buddy,” began market analyst Lauren Campos. “One of the things we need to offer our riders is a true kinship with their driver. However, we found that sober people cannot stand being around drunks, so we’ve created an alcohol-first vehicular environment where another person is already on your level of inebriation and that person is only breaking a few minor traffic laws. Our services are already constantly adapting to market trends. But what if, at the same time, we could spark a lasting, lifelong friendship between two peo

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