WAKING up with a hangover so vast it has its own moons orbiting it, I am pleased to be informed of new rules regarding financial disclosure for members of the House of Lords.

This may impact me as I have been starring in a paid series of public information films for the Japanese Masturbatory Board, extolling the pleasures, health benefits and other merits of onanism. ‘Bashing the bishop’, to use the common parlance, or in this case, the Archbishop.

Wearing my ecclesiastical garb, and a specially adapted mitre which glows and throbs red, I explain, in phonetic Japanese, why it is no sin to pleasure oneself and statistics have shown that those who do so at least once – or preferably twice – a day have a greater life expectancy than those who abstain, the longer to serve the Lord.

I have a

See Full Page