GLENDALE, AZ

Villainous NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has laid out plans to move every Manitoba Junior Hockey team, including the beloved Steinbach Pistons, to small towns throughout Arizona.

“We’ve already ruined the NHL by placing franchises in cities with no hockey fans, and now I think it’s time we utterly destroyed Canadian junior hockey as well,” said Bettman, at a press conference today in a small Arizona town. “The more hellishly hot the town, the better it is for ice hockey. Arizona has lots of places like that.”

Arizona communities scheduled to take MJHL teams include Wickenburg, Cave Creek, and Casa Grande. According to Bettman’s plan, the Pistons will be relocated to Wilcox, Arizona, population 3,777, while the Winkler Flyers will move to some place called Kearny. Even the f

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