THE HIGH SEAS — In a saddening, tragic turn of events, famed climate activist Greta Thunberg has been kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

According to eyewitnesses, Thunberg and 11 companions had been sailing across the Atlantic ocean when their sloop was overtaken and boarded by a crew led by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who fiercely kidnapped Thunberg.

"The Dread Pirate Roberts leaves no survivors," said local farmboy Wesley, an expert on international piracy. "Unfortunately, Miss Thunberg has probably been brutally snatched away, and possibly dismembered or fed to Rodents of Unusual Size."

A newly discovered message in a bottle signed G.T. has led rescuers to continue to hope for Thunberg's recovery, however.

"The Dread Pirate Roberts isn't actually named Roberts," the message reads

See Full Page